I was scared too…
After deciding my bedroom nightstand was long over due for a thorough cleaning, I rediscovered the journal I had during my first pregnancy with Hud, back in 2005. Upon reading a few of the entries, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride swelling up inside. “Wow!”, I thought, look how far I have come. From being a very scared pregnant mother, to surviving an extremely difficult breastfeeding beginning, then returning to school and becoming a RN, the birth of my 2nd child, receiving my IBCLC and now starting my own business. What an incredible journey these last 8 years have been. And to think it all began here, with my first journal entry.
July 2005 “I am now more scared than I have ever been. I am going to be someone’s mother. I am not ready for this, I am afraid.”
Throughout the pregnancy I made several entries about being scared, worried, and anxious about what was to come with the birth of my baby. The thought of doing the wrong thing consumed me. I was so afraid. But on those pages I also found several entries about how amazing this little miracle was, how I loved to feel him kick inside me and how I was so excited to meet him. But over all, I was frightened out of my mind. But little did I know, I was already becoming a mother. And let me tell you Mamas, you never really think you’re ready. But I promise, you are.
My little man was born 3 weeks early and I was struggling as a new breastfeeding Mom. My fears were coming true and over the next few years I did not journal or even take time for myself. I was as they say “consumed with all things baby”. The years passed quickly and the next entry I wrote was in 2008, when Hud was 2 and a half years old. This is what it said,
May 2008 “Here I am, a Mother. How time flies! I am no longer always worried or scared. He is my light, my life, my love. The happiness his smile brings to me can not be described with words. He is my peace and I am a better person because I am his Mother.”
Upon reading that last entry, I cried. Big, fat, crocodile tears. Not because I was sad but because I had doubted my ability to care for my own child. I had convinced myself, I didn’t know how to be a Mother, I thought I would fail. But that was the furthest thing from the truth. Over time I began to trust myself, I listened to my instincts , I stopped questioning everything, and I did what felt right to me. No matter if my Mom, or Mother in Law or Sister or friend were doing something different and this idea changed everything for me. I did not have time to be scared anymore. I was free to live this wonderful adventure and I did.
So step back from your current situation and look inside your self Mama. You have the answers, you know when something is wrong, or a little off with your baby. You know how to Mother. Trust yourself and when you need help or have questions ask them, but then do what you feel works for you. Remember, you are the very best Mother for this baby. You, no one else. Just you.